A Cry for Mercy

Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. Psalm 6:2-4

The rains have been consistent this morning and I am feeling like the weather, partly cloudy and just a little bit depressed. You see, a branch in my family tree is struggling right now. Struggling with fear, doubt, sadness, possible loss, and wondering can and will Jesus do a miracle. I hear the voice on the other end of the phone and it resonates deep despair and uncertainty. There is nothing that I can do to make it all better. There is nothing that my past experiences can draw from that line up the same, similar but not the same. One thing I do know that is the same, is Jesus is right there in the middle of it with them. He is not far. He is close, real close, whisper to hear close. He feels their pain. He feels the distress coming from them. He feels. He knows.

This branch in my family tree that is having trouble, they mean a lot to me and I love them. And my family tree branch is also part of another family tree that is in the midst of this fight for life. Trying to make the right decisions, trying to keep hope, trying to fight for the life of a son/cousin/brother/grandson/nephew that they love. I am completely overwhelmed with sadness for this family that I care about. This family tree that is also attached to my family tree branch, is hurting, has questions, and wants healing.

Jesus, I know that you are with them. I know that you will never leave them nor will you forsake them. Help them to draw on your strength and might. Help them to hear your voice of love for them and that they feel your arms around them. Hear their prayers of life for this child, your child. You are the One who brings comfort and healing. You are the only One and to your name be the glory of all things. Amen.

****This was originally written two years ago, since that time the above beloved child has passed away over a year ago. The above family tree members are still struggling with most of the same questions and are still searching for healing but for themselves now. I personally know the struggle of grief and how long it takes to heal and recover. I know what it feels like to lose a loved one and cry out for mercy from The Lord. I continue to pray for this family tree and the family tree branch that connects to mine. I know that Jesus is with them and working in their lives for an amazing story that will bring Him fame. I watch and wait as the story continues and the fame is spread.

Your Grief Will Turn To Joy.

John 16-20 Jesus said that I ( you and me) will weep and mourn as the world rejoices but our grief will turn to joy. Have you ever noticed that when you are going through the worse that everyone around you is laughing, having fun, and falling in love and holding hands? Why is it when you are going through troubles the sun still shines and the flowers still bloom?The world still turns when you are struggling. The sun still rises and the stars still shine while your world crumbles around you.

The context in these verses is that Jesus is letting the disciples know that he will be leaving them and that they will grieve over him but that their grief will turn to joy. Jesus also says in John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” Our grief will turn to joy. We will overcome trouble. Hope. We just need a little hope to cling to so that we can get to the other side of of these hard times.

Jesus said “you will weep”. My friend would describe this kind of weeping as the “ugly cry”. This is not the cry that has just a few tears coming from your eyes when something touching happens or when you cut yourself and bleed. You know this “ugly” cry; face all contorted, the noises you are making sound like they are coming from the wild, makeup running down your face, eyes all puffy and red when it is all said and done. This is pain. Jesus also said “and mourn”. Some Bible translations say lament. Webster Dictionary defines mourn as to grieve for; to lament; to deplore; to bemoan; to bewail. Webster dictionary defines lament as grief or sorrow expressed in complaints or cries; lamentation; a wailing; a moaning; a weeping.

But your grief will turn to joy. The definition of joy is a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. One day you are going through painful grief, the next day you realize that your joy has returned. That is an amazing feeling.

The feeling that when the clouds part and the sun shines on your face again. Pure bliss.

When the climb up the mountain, which has been torturous and long, is completed and you look out, the view is spectacular, the darkness has turned to bright colorful lights. You might even be able to look down for a moment on those footsteps that you made climbing up to see answers to some of your questions. A feeling might come over you that say’s “maybe, just maybe, it might have been good to go through that storm, this trouble, that heartache, or this purpose.” It just does not make sense that you have joy again. Joy that is completely unexplainable. God’s goodness to you. His promise that grief would bring weeping and mourning BUT joy will come again.

The Word promises that the joy will return, with that we have hope for each day while in that deep dark place called grief.

Thank you Jesus for new mercies every day and for hope in the times of grief. Help us to look for that hope which will allow us to have bright moments each day during our dark times. In Jesus’ name Amen

Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere

How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the loving God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young – a place near your alter, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God. Blessed are those who dwell in your house; they are ever praising you. (Psalm 84: 1-4)

I read this verse last night and it had such an impact on me. The birds choosing to build nests and to raise their young at a place near the alter of the LORD Almighty, a place of worship. They would hear the singing of praises to the LORD and the confessing of sins and burnt offerings and hear the sermons, the truth spoken from the Word. They would also feel the closeness of the LORD’s presence. I even bet that when no one was looking the birds would dance before the King, flying around and showing off the beauty of their wings, singing at the tops of their lungs the beautiful sound that birds make.

Samuel did the same thing; he grew up in the presence of the LORD. (1 Samuel 2:21) Samuel slept in the temple where the ark of God was at. Samuel heard the voice of the LORD while he was lying in that spot. (1 Samuel 3:3-10) So how do I build my nest near the alter of God? I bring the image of the alter into my home, into my nest and make my home a place of worship. I make my whole home an alter before the LORD. I sing praises to the LORD here in my home, I confess sins before God in my home, I read the Word to hear the truth about God in my home. It is also the place where I will hear God speak to me and feel His Presence. And I will tell my daughter about all these things: who God is, what God is looking for from us, and get her to confess her sins before the LORD at our alter, in our home. We keep the figure of the cross, a symbol in our home, as the image of Jesus on the alter and the grace that he chose to bestow on us as our reminder of “a place near your alter, O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.”

The alter is not something that you only see once a week at church it has to be the place where we chose to live. It has to be a place we seek out. We have to make an effort to maintain our nest as a place of worship. It is hard work “doing” life and raising children and a lot of responsibility. But I will chose to bring the alter of God into my home and rest in His hands there. Because better is one day in Your courts, LORD, than a thousand elsewhere.

LORD, help me to make my nest as close to you as possible. And to always seek out your alter in good and bad times. My soul longs to be in Your presence all day long. In Jesus’ Name Amen

Reflections

Sitting in the car, while my girl is in sign language class, reflecting on this past weekend. It was an weekend that I’m still pondering the emotions that flowed through me. It was a trip that I was excited about for months. It was something that I wanted to do with my girl for years. And yet as the time came close to travel I became apprehensive about it, how I would handle the changes that took place there since the last time that I was there, as well as, the changes that had happened to me since our last visit. So where did I go? What was going on for this trip, you ask? A place called…

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania!!!

I grew up outside of Pittsburgh. I was born there. I lived there until I was 14. I love the Steelers still to this day.

What prompted the trip was my cousins wedding. At the very moment that I received my “save the date” notice, I planned on going, no matter what, no matter when, no matter how I would get there, I was going! Come hell or high water, nothing was going to keep me away from that occasion. It was the motivation that I needed to get me to that place.

I hadn’t been to that place in 15 years, my girl was 10 months old and we had gone to my grandmothers funeral. I knew seeing my Pap and Nanny’s place would be difficult as it was no longer their place. The property belonged to someone else and the place would be changed on so many levels. Another thing that changed was since I had seen my family from those parts, I had become a widow and didn’t know how it would affect them that it was just my girl and I. I didn’t know if they would notice the gaping hole that had been healed in us. or if they would miss him or just not notice all together.

But each if these things caused my apprehension on those days getting close to our departure. But also for me the excitement kept growing. Seeing familiar scenery caused me to be teary eyed as I drove those last miles to our hotel. Excitement is what motivated our getting up early to head to Mt Washington to take pictures over looking the city of Pittsburgh. It is so beautiful up there. Hannah took it all in, breathed in the city and surrounding area. Looked through new eyes as she saw it for the first time that she could remember.

Excitement is what took us to our hotel early to check in and get close to the Oakland area for the wedding rehearsal. We were getting excited about seeing the family, my aunt and uncle, my cousins! I was going to be able to hug and see with my eyes family I hadn’t seen in over a decade. I was excited to be able to see them and hug them but would they be as excited to see me and hang out with me and talk to me about their lives, people that hadn’t seen or talked because of distance and life. But one thing that happened when seeing each other was love over took it all. The years melted and tears of joy took over realizing how we had missed each other so much.

Then the party began, we talked and hugged and met the bride and all the distance of life just diminished. I will say that my girl and I stayed with the family, we didn’t venture out to meet other people, we just wanted to spend time with the family to get to know them again, to be able to share life stories, and to just be in each others presence. Each of the boys spent time individually with me and I even think we left the weekend wishing for more time together. I have come home kind of depressed because I want more of that weekend. More of the scenery, more of the familiar childhood feelings, and more of the family. The town where I grew up has changed and looks different, they all told me, but I saw everything the way it was in the past. I enjoyed showing my girl my town, schools, and landscape of my childhood, which is so different from the way things are in Georgia.

I am so thankful to Jesus for allowing me to experience this weekend and all that it entailed. I have heard people say about “you can’t pick your family but you can pick your friends and make them family” I am so glad that I have them as family and hope that we shall see each other much sooner than last time.

First entry

This is my first entry on WordPress. And what do I think that this blog will look like? Well, I think it will be a blog about life, the good, bad, ugly, beautiful, and all the other aspects of it. I hope to use this as a way to encourage others with what I’ve been through and how Jesus has walked with me through it and guided me at all times.

The name of the blog, Lookup, came from what I’ve learned. That no matter what you are going through, no matter how bad it may seem, if you raise your head up and find something to give thanks or praise for, then you will always “see” above your problems. When your head is looking down you will drown from the issues of life. It will look cloudy and dark and you will see no light but if your head is up then there is always going to be light and when seeking the Lord’s guidance you will be able to handle the road that you are on and you will have hope for another day.

So together, I hope to give encouragement and hope from Jesus as we lookup to the One that holds us in His hands

Amy

LOOKUP

When we look up with will always see above our problems.